Discouraged

I've been trying to keep the negative I-hate-my-body, hypothyroidism-sucks posts to a minimum, but I've been feeling really discouraged the last month or so, and just need a moment to vent.

Since January 1, I have lost about 20 pounds. I am back down to my pre-hypothyroid post-baby weight (i.e. still not back to my pre-baby weight, but better than it had been). I still have a good 30 pounds to lose to feel... good about myself, but I would be happy if I could get rid of another 15-20 lbs. That would put me where I was before I got pregnant (I gained a little bit when I switched MA programs. I blame stress).

If you know anything about me, you know that last year was really hard on me. I was exercising non-stop, I was eating a completely vegan diet, and I was gaining weight. At the peak of my crazy exercise routine, I was walking/jogging 15-20 miles a day. And on the days where I couldn't go out and do that, I was on the exercise bike for 3 hours a day. Nothing I did worked and this February, I threw in the towel. I quit working out and sat on my butt all day--why kill myself if it wasn't working? Well, I promptly lost fifteen pounds.

I went home in March to visit my family, came home for a couple weeks and lost a few more pounds, and then went back. While I was home, I gained a pound or two, but figured that when I got home, the weight would continue to come back off slowly as it had.

Well, it hasn't. I've gone back to making a lot of vegetarian meals to help combat things, and I did get back to the 20-pounds-lost goal, but I can't get back over the hump. I'm stuck. And then, to just makes matters worse, I got on the scale yesterday and I had gained 3 lbs.

Most people would probably consider this "no big deal," but I am really starting to feel like it's crunch time. We are in agreement that we would like to try for Baby #2 at the beginning of the year... And I DO NOT ever want to go through this torture again. I refuse to gain as much as I did last time (50 lbs) and I certainly don't want to start out bigger than I did last time.

The news (I am loathe to call it "good") is that I go see a new endocrinologist in 2 weeks. I honestly don't think I am "fixed" yet. I am still having a very hard time waking up in the morning (10 hours of sleep and struggling to wake up isn't normal), I am always exhausted, and I am always freezing--ask my husband, he has felt my ice-cold feet. And my weight... Ugh, my weight. I am so hoping he can make me better. I am so tired of being broken :(.